I Screwed Up and Only I Can Right My Wrongs

Just a summer crush. You know... One of those crushes that are only fun when he doesn't know you like him. And the minute he finds out, your feelings for him become sour. Too bad reality struck a little too late though.

You know, I feel like a damn fool for dating this a guy. When I dated him, I swore I was top shit. He was fond as all hell. I'm talking 6'1'', smooth caramel complexion, medium brown eyes, waves from the Pacific Ocean, muscular arms, and a six pack to go along with it. His swagger was crazy and he was well respected everywhere we went.

I remember... he would be washing the dishes and he would be wearing only a wife beater. I would daydream thinking about his strong muscular arms and how it would feel if I was wrapped in them. Damn I would feel so secure and wouldn't want him to let me- okay enough with all that.

The truth is I "F" ed up. He obviously wasn't the one for me or anyone . . . may I add? My future consists of a stress-free family, a big beautiful house, a jet black puppy/dog, and a fire engine red car. That dream he was not going to be able to help me fulfill even 10%.

Well, the bottom line is I screwed up big time. I put my relationship with my brother in jeopardy for this guy, which was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I wish I could swallow my pride, apologize, and ask him if I can move back in. It has been about six months and within that time frame all I accomplished was an apology.

Dear Brother,
I'm sorry, brother. I know I screwed up. Big time. It will never happen again because no guy is worth losing you over. After seeing how much you really love me by getting over the situation and accepting me back into your life, I have developed this new respect for you. When we stopped communicating because of the situation, I was so hurt. If there was anything in the world I wanted at that time or needed at that time, then it was you. I love you, brother. I need you, brother. Can I have another chance? Can I come back home? Please?

Love WOOG

I'm Talking Baggage!

OMG! He Has Four Kids and One On The Way.

I don't know what I was thinking or what I was on at the time. What made me get so emotionally involved with someone who could only please me physically? Perhaps was it his strong muscular arms, his smooth caramel skin, his warm brown eyes, or his glowing smile. Or could it have been my loneliness pressing me to get with someone or my hormones running wild? Could it have been his motivation to take care all his kids instead of running, like most men do? Maybe, it is a combination of all these things, but that's beside the point.

How could I've let a situation as such swallow me up like this? I mean . . . I'm attached. Not that we're still together, but we are close friends- too close of friends. It's like we're still together. So, why do I keep him around? He comforts me and I don't feel lonely at all when he's around. But let's face it Erica . . .

He's 28 Years Old, Works

at Burger King, and Lives

with His Momma!

What can a guy like him possibly do for a young, beautiful, 18 year old, college girl like me? He obviously has too many responsibilities and not enough money and time to go around. So what advice would you offer me? Drop his a** like a bad habit? Huh, easy for you to say. Someday, all of this will get old and you will see me dropping him like a bad habit, but for now I refuse to like go. Not that I can't. It's just that I don't want to. I just rather have Mr. Baggage in my life instead of no one. Sounds crazy right? That saying, "I can do bad all by myself" comes to mind, right? Well, I can do bad all by myself, but I just choose not to. Unless a really attractive, mature, honest, respectful, goal oriented, no kids having, no wife having, good job having man comes my way. But until then I'm staying put.

I'm Talking Baggage!

Self-esteem and Relationships

What is it with guys who feel like they are just not good enough for a woman? Self-esteem is a b**** when you really love someone, but they are not happy with themselves to truly love you back. I guess we all have this idealized self and expectations for ourselves that allows us to miss out on some good relationships because we have low self-esteem.

"I don't have anything to offer you." (Not that I asked you for anything.)

"Oh you are so perfect. You have goals, you're smart, and you're beautiful, but . . . I'm not." (Yes you are and why must we compare anyway?)

"I'm sorry I don't meet your requirements." (I never told you about any requirements.)

Okay I know psychologist say you have to be on the same level as your partner in order to feel elevated or in sync with each other, but damn aren't there some exceptions?? Are you allowed to feel this way at eighteen or nineteen years old? Life is just beginning and you are already feeling incompetent. I guess for some guys it's apart of being a "man" or wanting to feel like a "man".

I guess everyone wants to be independent, but you have to balance it with interdependence (help from others). If you need it and I have it, then it's yours. Money is not a big issue for me, but some people are afraid that if they depend too much on a person then their partner will become a control freak, but that is not necessarily true.

Honestly, I believe if you love someone and they love you then, that's all that matters. Of course you would have to love yourself and care about yourself before you can have those feelings for someone else.

Prolonged self-esteem issues triggers high levels of anxiety and insecurity. Is he jealousy that I am a little more successful than he is or is he afraid that because I am on higher level than him that I may leave him for someone better than him? Well, he damn sure not jealous. He just panics when he feel like our relationship is being threaten.

So what do you do when you are having these relationship issues? I guess by spending time with each other and having conversations to make the other person feel securely attached. I would say it is best to resolve these issues early on in a relationship because it will constantly come up in some shape or form when addressing other issues. And of course if the situation gets severe take advantage of relationship counseling. If one doesn't work try another one. You would hate to walk out of a relationship and look back on the situation and say what if we had tried this . . . would it have worked? Try all the possible alternatives before giving up. That's only if you TRULY LOVE that other person.

Here's a great website if you are seeking relationship counseling. http://www.councilforrelationships.org/

It’s Called a Relapse

It’s Called a Relapse

The other day I found myself giving in. I called the guy that I claimed I was through with to tell him I was sorry and I missed him. Even though it revealed that I am sentimental and vulnerable, I didn’t care. It felt like I was withdrawing from a strong addiction and I just had to get just one more hit. All I wanted was to call him and hear his voice again to satisfy my impulse. Damn, I do sound crazy . . . psychotic.

I am really beginning to understand how powerful an addiction can be and how Freud’s psychosexual theory helps to explain it. It’s my superego (moral principles) that often tells me to let him go, but my id (sexual and aggressive impulses) takes over because my impulses are obviously stronger than my moral principles. I can now understand my lack of equilibrium (balance) is due to the fact that my superego and my id are in constant disagreement. Somehow, I feel sorry for my poor ego (reality-orientated functions) that is often forced to be embarrassed by such an imbalance. It’s called a relapse so I guess my next remedy is a rehab (counseling) because I don't want to be this person anymore. Pray for me.

When We First

When We First

When we first met
I knew you were the one.
When we first conversed
Boy, was it fun.
When we first hugged
I knew we were in love.
When we first kissed

I knew it was those lips I would miss.

When you first sucked on my body

I knew you I had to have inside me.

When you first told me you loved me

I knew I wanted you to be my hubby.

When we first got married
Boy, was I happy.

I Rise Pledge

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

-Maya Angelou

My New Year's Pledge

I am making a pledge to myself to rise high and go beyond. No longer shall I believe the lies of an immature teenage boy or take heed to envious young ladies who only wish to break me. The lines of a principal telling me to settle for less because I could never afford to be educated at a private institution will continue to rewind, but someday I will be able to flash my degree and say, “Ha ha indeed I rise.” Truth is, only I can break me because I make me rise. I shall continue to make my dreams my realities because I will touch the sky. I shall not make other people’s problems my own; yet help as much as I can. I shall learn to harmonize with myself so I may have a peaceful mind. I will continue to be courageous, generous, balanced, happy, ambitious, and wise.
I rise.
I rise.
I rise.

The Destiny of All My Hopes

The Destiny of All My Hopes

I'm the champion of my life and the conqueror of my dreams.
I'm the smiles of all my madness and the ice of all my steams.
I'm the sunshine of all my storms and the rain of all droughts.
I'm the sweets of all my bitterness and the spice of all my mildness.
I'm the flowers of the gardens and the ripest of all fruits.
I'm the sparks of all fires and the warmth of every cold human.
I'm the melody of all songs and the harmony of all lyrics.
I'm the joy of all children, yet the tears of all fears.
I'm Ali in his prime,
I'm Harriet Tubman in a new year,
The conductor of all railroads,
The captain of all ships,
The tallest statue of all,
The love of gods and goddess,
And the peace of all parts of the world,
But most of all,
I'm Erica Garner,
The destiny of my hopes,
The champion of my life,
And the conqueror of my dreams.

Love, I'm Killing Myself

Love, I'm Killing Myself

I've asked for love, but now I say no thanks.
It is more than obvious that, that was not what you were willing to take.
I'm so emotional and easy to break.
So I say thanks for at least giving me the pieces back.
Yes, I played myself; hurt myself; and I am slowly killing myself inside.
I just want to go in a box and hide.
I should have known better than try and try.
It was never there, so now the pain is what I fear.
Take out the knife.
Love, I'm not ready to die.
Building myself on you drove me crazy.
How do I even begin to become a young lady again

What I Need is Love

What I Need is Love

It’s what I want.
I want my professors to tell me that I am capable of all things and that I can conqueror the world if that’s my deepest desire.
I want to be adored in other places than the bedroom and pampered in other places than the beauty salon.
It’s not what I want, yet what I need.
It’s what my mind, body, and soul crave.
That feeling I may get from a baby.
So go ahead and impregnate me.
Or possibly from a man caressing my aching back.
Are you the masseuse?
It’s love.
Love!
Love from a mother who can kiss me goodnight
Or from a father who keeps his promises.
I crave the love from a friend, who wishes not to plot on me,
But to tell me she's here to help.
I crave for her to love me.
I crave for him to love me.
I need for them to love me!

A Threat to Me

A Threat to Me

He’s not my father he’s a threat to me.
A lot of bad words he said to me.
“You are a bitch and a whore to me”.
Why must this be said to me?
He said, “You’re my daughter!”
Then he threatened me.
“Yes, I’m your daughter, but I’m not a child. I’m out this house!” I screamed real loud.
Again he threatened me. As I left I said, “You don’t frighten me.”
To myself I said, “He’s not my father he’s a threat to me.”

Living an Unbalanced Life

Living an Unbalanced Life

Quickly shifting from love and then right back to lust,
From calling him to ignoring his phones calls,
From kissing “boo” and back to kissing wife,
From tears of anger and hopelessness to thunders of laughter,
From fights to adult discussions,
From being depended and suddenly independent.
Living an unbalanced life is when you know what you used to be and then, trying to relive it just one more time.
Since immaturity is effortless and maturity is expected, it is quite reasonable why one must mixed the two.
It’s like living a double life and having a double mind.
Since it is very risky, one must try to balance the two.
If you can put yourself on a scale and the numbers go up and down, then it is time to do some reevaluating.
Living an unbalanced life can cause you to appear uncertain or insane.
So let’s pull it together.