It’s Called a Relapse

It’s Called a Relapse

The other day I found myself giving in. I called the guy that I claimed I was through with to tell him I was sorry and I missed him. Even though it revealed that I am sentimental and vulnerable, I didn’t care. It felt like I was withdrawing from a strong addiction and I just had to get just one more hit. All I wanted was to call him and hear his voice again to satisfy my impulse. Damn, I do sound crazy . . . psychotic.

I am really beginning to understand how powerful an addiction can be and how Freud’s psychosexual theory helps to explain it. It’s my superego (moral principles) that often tells me to let him go, but my id (sexual and aggressive impulses) takes over because my impulses are obviously stronger than my moral principles. I can now understand my lack of equilibrium (balance) is due to the fact that my superego and my id are in constant disagreement. Somehow, I feel sorry for my poor ego (reality-orientated functions) that is often forced to be embarrassed by such an imbalance. It’s called a relapse so I guess my next remedy is a rehab (counseling) because I don't want to be this person anymore. Pray for me.

When We First

When We First

When we first met
I knew you were the one.
When we first conversed
Boy, was it fun.
When we first hugged
I knew we were in love.
When we first kissed

I knew it was those lips I would miss.

When you first sucked on my body

I knew you I had to have inside me.

When you first told me you loved me

I knew I wanted you to be my hubby.

When we first got married
Boy, was I happy.

I Rise Pledge

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

-Maya Angelou

My New Year's Pledge

I am making a pledge to myself to rise high and go beyond. No longer shall I believe the lies of an immature teenage boy or take heed to envious young ladies who only wish to break me. The lines of a principal telling me to settle for less because I could never afford to be educated at a private institution will continue to rewind, but someday I will be able to flash my degree and say, “Ha ha indeed I rise.” Truth is, only I can break me because I make me rise. I shall continue to make my dreams my realities because I will touch the sky. I shall not make other people’s problems my own; yet help as much as I can. I shall learn to harmonize with myself so I may have a peaceful mind. I will continue to be courageous, generous, balanced, happy, ambitious, and wise.
I rise.
I rise.
I rise.

The Destiny of All My Hopes

The Destiny of All My Hopes

I'm the champion of my life and the conqueror of my dreams.
I'm the smiles of all my madness and the ice of all my steams.
I'm the sunshine of all my storms and the rain of all droughts.
I'm the sweets of all my bitterness and the spice of all my mildness.
I'm the flowers of the gardens and the ripest of all fruits.
I'm the sparks of all fires and the warmth of every cold human.
I'm the melody of all songs and the harmony of all lyrics.
I'm the joy of all children, yet the tears of all fears.
I'm Ali in his prime,
I'm Harriet Tubman in a new year,
The conductor of all railroads,
The captain of all ships,
The tallest statue of all,
The love of gods and goddess,
And the peace of all parts of the world,
But most of all,
I'm Erica Garner,
The destiny of my hopes,
The champion of my life,
And the conqueror of my dreams.

Love, I'm Killing Myself

Love, I'm Killing Myself

I've asked for love, but now I say no thanks.
It is more than obvious that, that was not what you were willing to take.
I'm so emotional and easy to break.
So I say thanks for at least giving me the pieces back.
Yes, I played myself; hurt myself; and I am slowly killing myself inside.
I just want to go in a box and hide.
I should have known better than try and try.
It was never there, so now the pain is what I fear.
Take out the knife.
Love, I'm not ready to die.
Building myself on you drove me crazy.
How do I even begin to become a young lady again

What I Need is Love

What I Need is Love

It’s what I want.
I want my professors to tell me that I am capable of all things and that I can conqueror the world if that’s my deepest desire.
I want to be adored in other places than the bedroom and pampered in other places than the beauty salon.
It’s not what I want, yet what I need.
It’s what my mind, body, and soul crave.
That feeling I may get from a baby.
So go ahead and impregnate me.
Or possibly from a man caressing my aching back.
Are you the masseuse?
It’s love.
Love!
Love from a mother who can kiss me goodnight
Or from a father who keeps his promises.
I crave the love from a friend, who wishes not to plot on me,
But to tell me she's here to help.
I crave for her to love me.
I crave for him to love me.
I need for them to love me!

A Threat to Me

A Threat to Me

He’s not my father he’s a threat to me.
A lot of bad words he said to me.
“You are a bitch and a whore to me”.
Why must this be said to me?
He said, “You’re my daughter!”
Then he threatened me.
“Yes, I’m your daughter, but I’m not a child. I’m out this house!” I screamed real loud.
Again he threatened me. As I left I said, “You don’t frighten me.”
To myself I said, “He’s not my father he’s a threat to me.”

Living an Unbalanced Life

Living an Unbalanced Life

Quickly shifting from love and then right back to lust,
From calling him to ignoring his phones calls,
From kissing “boo” and back to kissing wife,
From tears of anger and hopelessness to thunders of laughter,
From fights to adult discussions,
From being depended and suddenly independent.
Living an unbalanced life is when you know what you used to be and then, trying to relive it just one more time.
Since immaturity is effortless and maturity is expected, it is quite reasonable why one must mixed the two.
It’s like living a double life and having a double mind.
Since it is very risky, one must try to balance the two.
If you can put yourself on a scale and the numbers go up and down, then it is time to do some reevaluating.
Living an unbalanced life can cause you to appear uncertain or insane.
So let’s pull it together.